A bath moment

Oskar the beagle, like most dogs has a fantastic sixth sense for knowing when to be somewhere. So when it comes to food he’s in the kitchen two minutes before I open the fridge door. Likewise when it comes to bath-time he has disappeared and will not reappear no matter how much I call out his name. He picks up on the vibe and he asks himself the question… “Is this the best place to be?” It is a profoundly simple gift to make the simple distinction between a food moment and a bath moment.

I too have developed a similar dichotomy and this is best illustrated by the example of when my partner returned home from a shopping expedition to IKEA.

Oskar and I had been observing her assembling the flat-pack for a while when three things happened simultaneously; (a) the screwdriver slipped, (b) I opened my mouth to speak and (c) Oskar left the room.

Despite my partners’ assertions, I am fairly certain that Shakespeare never said that “Testicles do not maketh the handyman” however worked out that I could delay assisting for a fraction longer. It was then that I realised that under stress people see the world in a dichotomy. For manageable stress the person can step back and see the humour in a situation and this is called a Minties moment. The second is where the world is briefly interpreted as being too complex and nothing seems to fit together. These dark times are called IKEA moments.

Oskar kindly poked his head back in the room and looking up to me with fearful eyes he gave me a terrified “This is a bath moment!” expression. I nodded and we both made our escape into the kitchen to share some food.

THE SIN OF JEALOUSY

I admit that he is good looking and at a pinch I would go so far as to say that he even has a certain bad-boy charm that I don't have. My partner had divided her attentions between the two men in her life and I would be frequently kicked out of bed to pay the bills while her younger 'naughty boy' would be commanded to jump into bed for a quick cuddle. Such is the pampered life of Oskar the Beagle. Unhappily, I would drag myself into the cool night air just as Oskar would pass me with a smug and dismissive smirk that he cultivated just for me.

It would be a sad and pathetic man that would become jealous of a mere dog, besides I am smarter than the average Beagle and so I decided watch and learn from my nemesis.

With notepad in hand I observed each of Oskar's postures and I came to the conclusion that his charm boiled down to just two factors. One, his beautiful velvet like fur and two, the softest and saddest eyes in the dog world.

That evening, despite the warm and balmy night, I reclined in the lounge in my new winter thick velvet brown dressing gown. With my head in her lap I gazed up with my eyelids in a hypnotic slow blinking rhythm. She affectionately smiled and I casually slid the tip of my tongue lazily between my teeth. I had mastered Beagle charm.

"Aren't you hot in that ?" she said patting my newly acquired fur.
"A little…" I replied and I gave her a watery-eyed sorrowful look to eek out the sympathy. She reluctantly stroked my sweaty hair.
"Look, just put on my thin dressing gown and you won't be so hot." She commanded.
By the time I came back dressed in an ensemble of pink care bears and love hearts Oskar had nabbed my spot. He was smirking and whispering "loser" under his doggy breath.

Not to be outdone I returned from the kitchen with a row of dark chocolate and sat next to Oskar. Moments later long slippery saliva drool hung ungraciously from each side of Oskar's lips. The spell of his charm was lost and he was unceremoniously placed at the foot of his mistress. Proving in the competitive world of relationship affection, brains outperforms charm.

REJOICE IN ADEQUACY

I can’t imagine why an Aussie bloke would ever become a Buddhist. I mean being reborn time after time until you reach nirvana smacks of some kind of over-zealot perfectionism to me. I reckon if you have had a pleasant life… perhaps with the odd smattering of hangovers and youthful carrying on, that when death comes the Buddha should respond like an Aussie. He should just tilt his Akubra forward and say “Stay, she looks bloody close enough to nirvana to me.” But if he says “Do you want to go back and do life again until you get it right? Just lean back, stare him in the eye and say “Nah, she’ll be right mate.” What I love about Australia is that we have mastered the concept of “adequate”. We don’t get all stressed over being numero uno. Adequacy is not a compromise but acknowledging what you have, who you are with and who you are is enough. Just let go of the perfectionism and rejoice in adequacy. Equally, knowing when your relationship is not adequate is just as critical. Compromise is a slow death. Perfection is certainly hard to find but adequacy is everywhere. I think the Buddha would appreciate the simplicity in achieving adequacy. So I think it would be great to look Buddha in the eye and turn down the chance for rebirth. At this point one of two things may happen (1) the Jews got it right and you will burn in hell for your sins or (2) you go back as a slug because the Buddha never could stand smart-arsed Australians.

DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS

“Do I look fat in this dress?” are words that most men dread hearing. Many years ago my mate Kev complained that his girlfriend Shirley would ask this very question and disaster was always a brief reply away. Before I became an enlightened relationship guru my advice to Kev was simple, insensitive and to the point: ‘Just get a thinner girlfriend!’. As a straight thinking accountant Kev appreciated the logic at the time but we both knew that the deeper solution rested beyond our grasp.

Fast forward to 2008 and poor Kev is now married to Shirley and two kids later he’s having to face the same question but on a more regular basis. Although after 8 years of marriage Kev expressed a readiness to adopt my earlier solution, I instead offer the wisdom of the famous psychiatrist Irving Yalom. ‘just tell the truth’ Irving professed. So Kev told the truth and Kev’s fair and dispassionate accounting appraisal to Shirley was ‘This is an example where excessive assets have been redistributed to the less needy geographic areas’.

Several days later Kev pops around to have a chat about my advice.

So I tell Kev, “The truth is still the way to go”. A startled look flickers over Kev’s eyes and his hand absently strokes his cheek. Undeterred I plough on. “Find the true purpose of the question and express the truth so as to assist Shirley's wellbeing.”

Kev’s eyebrows knit further.

“Now Kev, you have a set of scales and a full length mirror?”

He nods

“Is Shirley really in need of an objective assessment”

He shakes his head

“So when she asks ‘Am I fat?’ she is really asking ‘Do you find me attractive?’ – This is the true purpose of the question.”

He smiles.

“So answer the true question with the truth that assists the person to move forward.”

He frowns.

“Don’t focus on the failure but on what helps. The muffin top in the jeans is failure and the red dress looks good. So for example… you look stunning in the red dress – all they guys at the dance will lust after you.”

Kev smiles, “You can lie a bit then.”

I nod.

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EMBRACE YOUR INNER BEAGLE

Ignoring Dr Phil for the moment, there are a number of great people who have built a sound reputation on their capacity to build human connectedness. The list is endless but they include Carl Rogers (pictured right), L. J. Moreno and Fritz Perls (left). It is all well and good being a theoretical genius but for my personal relationship wisdom I turn to a being that has reached a key milestone in emotional self-actualisation, someone who has reached a higher plain. I turn to the guru himself who is known only as Oskar. In eight years Oskar has simply mastered the capacity to unconditionally receive love. For Oskar is a beagle. Oskar will gleefully jump up on the bed in the morning and with an uncanny shift of the eyebrows indicate that it is time for him to receive some beagle lovin'. I start with slow cheek scratching and his face contorts with unabashed pleasure. He leans into my hands to soak up each caress. But when I slowly massage his temples it is like he is being stroked by an angel and his eyes roll back and glaze over as if he is in direct contact with divinity. In this moment Oskar does not doubt for a second that he is fully adored and loved. He is fully accepting of all the love I give him. He knows that he is so worthy of that love that he takes it in fully. In that moment he experiences utter bliss.
When we doubt that we are worthy of our partners love we fail to experience that transitory moment of bliss. I could spend years in therapy trying to purge myself of self doubt but when I want to embrace that moment of bliss I simply imagine that I am Oskar. I take in the gentle kisses and the gentleness of my partners hands and soak up her love. I experience a moment of bliss. It was only a moment, for when I licked my partners face in appreciation the mood was lost.

Embrace you inner beagle and bliss will follow

A BLOKES APPROACH TO BUILDING BETTER RELATIONSHIPS

In his top 10 of relationship advice tips the TV guru Dr Phil stated:

"Wake up each morning and say, 'What can I do today to advance the ball?'".

As a simple bloke I love this idea for I can approach my relationship as a project. I can devise little additions or modifications that will make my relationship look and feel good. Conversely I would also imagine that if I abandon work on my project it is probably going to be eaten away by termites and fall down in a few years. Not unlike the old wooden shed in my backyard. Projects are good because I can improve things if I put in the effort. A project means I can devise tasks, set timelines and reach measurable goals. And the best thing is that I don’t have to get embroiled in all those messy feelings.

It sounds like a perfect blokes guide to building better relationships.

If this is the best way for you or your partner to approach the dream of a better relationship then do it!

A well designed project has the advantage of creating improved sensitivity to progress, opportunities for the client to provide design feedback and if the project is delivered on time and to budget the builder can be rewarded. All good stuff to build a better relationship.

You can make your relationship project work if you incorporate three golden rules. Number one: Understand the client needs. This means understanding the exact nature of the problem and the solution. No second guessing here. I strongly advise you ask your client what needs repairing and how it will look when the project is finished. Go for detail here – be very specific on your project deliverables. This brings us to the second golden rule: Deliver what the client wants. For example the client might say that ‘Your study always looks like a pigsty’. A good project manager never argues with the client’s perception of the problem nor second guesses what the client’s solution is. A good project manager ASKS ‘How will it look if the problem was no longer present?’ I am hoping that the client suggests that you just keep the door closed but worst case you may have to clean up the study. Even this may not be such bad news because if you stay focused on delivering the project outcome you can negotiate. Perhaps you can both clean the study up? Hire a cleaner? Or pay your teenager to complete the task? But at the end of the day you have a clean study and a happy client.

This is a win-win, for let's face it, a clean study really is a better place to work and the client is much happier now. This takes us to the third and final golden rule of relationship project selection – choose projects that will bring at least some satisfaction to the both of you. There is no room in a relationship for the project manager to be a martyr. If you are the project manager and the project is not bringing satisfaction any joy to you then you have simply forgotten the higher purpose of the project. Either focus back onto why you are going it (for a better relationship) or drop the project.

For further advice and counselling visit http://www.geckohouse.com.au

THE NUMBER ONE THING YOU CAN DO TO FIX YOUR RELATIONSHIP

Fixing some things are obvious. With a flat tyre - you pump it up, a broken leg gets set in plaster and if you have a toothache you head off to the dentist. Fixing a relationship is slightly more complicated.

If you are in a relationship that is going through a rough time then it is likely that more than one problem is occurring simultaneously. Does this sound familiar... He/she may not be communicating to you in the way you want him to, you argue over small things and your relationship has lost its sense of fun.
The relationship was not like this when you first starting seeing each other.

When couples come for counselling I often picture a set of scales that have been tipped into to the unpleasant zone. When I ask couples about what initially attracted them to each other it is often easy to see a time that was filled with playfulness, lust and lightness. By the time they wander into my office for chat - a heaviness has infused the relationship.

This heaviness is like fog that drifts around the ankles and threatens to engulf the couple if provoked. For couples knee deep in this heavy fog it is all very overwhelming and they have no idea how it can be fixed.

Rather than fixing the relationship problem directly I find one of the most powerful ways to tip the scales back away from the heaviness is to do just one thing. This one thing is so simple. In fact it is so simple and obvious that people frequently don't do it. Before I tell you what that thing is (and I will in a minute) let me explain why this one thing you need to do is so much like process of dieting.

Occasionally I will resolve that I need to get fitter and lose some of the puppy fat that has accumulated over the years. In fact what was a small amount of puppy fat in my youth has merged into a middle age spread. It was a slow decline, hardly noticeable really. Much like the decline in many relationships, slow and subtle. And like dieting I feel this need to fix the problem - I want to lose weight now!. Yet this middle age paunch is still here and it seems to be getting worse!

I know what I want, I know what I don't want and yet I still have this problem!

Yet I know what would help. In fact if I do this one thing science tells me that the fat will disappear - guaranteed!

It is very obvious and very simple.

Yet I still have my middle age spread.

Motivation. Motivation is everything. In reality I carry only a few extra kilos, I can often hide it and my partner likes me and wont leave me if I even if even if I gain even more kilos. My true motivation is in reality fairly low. Therefore I am not willing to make the sacrifices required. For I know what would help me lose those kilos. It is very obvious and very simple. Eat less and exercise more!

But I need to sacrifice all those deserts, and all that rich and tasty food. Plus I don't have time for all that exercise. No I can't do it! I shall keep my middle age spread!

The answer was so simple but my true motivation is not high enough for change to occur.

But enough of my problems, lets get back to your relationship problem. What is the one thing that you can do to significantly help your relationship tip the scales back? What do you need to do to bring playfulness, lust and lightness back into the relationship?

What is obvious and simple?

Do more of what works. Let me repeat it slowly. Do more of what works.

It is so obvious and so simple and yet it takes so much effort to change your daily lifestyle that it takes strong motivation. But the best news is that when you do it you will find it enjoyable - unlike dieting. By definition doing more of what works is going to be enjoyable. Doing more of what works could means doing things that adds to the relationship. It is best if you both enjoy doing it but you can also do things that just work well for one partner so long as it does not have a negative impact on the other partner. For example you may both like going to the cinema just don't get the time. Find the time. It might not be easy but find the time. When you go to the cinema you will have added to the scales a little bit more of what is working in your relationship. But please do not confuse doing more of what works with planning to do things new and untested things together (unless that is what you both like to do). In addition if the old enjoyable activity is now stressful then this does not count. If going to the cinema means that you have to abandon your 9mth old in the shopping complex for an hour and a half then just don't do this activity. Try things that are tried and tested - things that make you and the other person happy but you just don't get to do enough of it anymore. It is like sex. Many established couples know what things will turn on the other partner. If they are not getting enough of that one thing then doing more of it will make them happier. Please note that doing an activity that you are doing too much of and is moving from enjoyable to repetative also does not count in this exercise.

Extend your options of what you can do as widely as possible. Doing what works - that is what adds to the relationship takes many forms. It maybe as simple as holding hands again, being playfull, playing video games together, flowers or a weekend camping with dog (leave the kids with the grandparents!).

Whatever it is both people need to feel that the relationship is better for it.

Normally couples don't do enough of the activities that add to the relationship and do plenty of the things that detract from the relationship.
Work on gradually tipping the balance back to the lighter and enjoyable side of the scale.

You will be amazed that if you do this one thing how the sum of the other relationship problems will become smaller.

It is obvious and it is simple. Try it. Start it now. When you notice that it is making a small difference send me an email and then keep doing more of what works.

Extra free resources are available at http://www.geckohouse.com.au