THE NUMBER ONE THING YOU CAN DO TO FIX YOUR RELATIONSHIP

Fixing some things are obvious. With a flat tyre - you pump it up, a broken leg gets set in plaster and if you have a toothache you head off to the dentist. Fixing a relationship is slightly more complicated.

If you are in a relationship that is going through a rough time then it is likely that more than one problem is occurring simultaneously. Does this sound familiar... He/she may not be communicating to you in the way you want him to, you argue over small things and your relationship has lost its sense of fun.
The relationship was not like this when you first starting seeing each other.

When couples come for counselling I often picture a set of scales that have been tipped into to the unpleasant zone. When I ask couples about what initially attracted them to each other it is often easy to see a time that was filled with playfulness, lust and lightness. By the time they wander into my office for chat - a heaviness has infused the relationship.

This heaviness is like fog that drifts around the ankles and threatens to engulf the couple if provoked. For couples knee deep in this heavy fog it is all very overwhelming and they have no idea how it can be fixed.

Rather than fixing the relationship problem directly I find one of the most powerful ways to tip the scales back away from the heaviness is to do just one thing. This one thing is so simple. In fact it is so simple and obvious that people frequently don't do it. Before I tell you what that thing is (and I will in a minute) let me explain why this one thing you need to do is so much like process of dieting.

Occasionally I will resolve that I need to get fitter and lose some of the puppy fat that has accumulated over the years. In fact what was a small amount of puppy fat in my youth has merged into a middle age spread. It was a slow decline, hardly noticeable really. Much like the decline in many relationships, slow and subtle. And like dieting I feel this need to fix the problem - I want to lose weight now!. Yet this middle age paunch is still here and it seems to be getting worse!

I know what I want, I know what I don't want and yet I still have this problem!

Yet I know what would help. In fact if I do this one thing science tells me that the fat will disappear - guaranteed!

It is very obvious and very simple.

Yet I still have my middle age spread.

Motivation. Motivation is everything. In reality I carry only a few extra kilos, I can often hide it and my partner likes me and wont leave me if I even if even if I gain even more kilos. My true motivation is in reality fairly low. Therefore I am not willing to make the sacrifices required. For I know what would help me lose those kilos. It is very obvious and very simple. Eat less and exercise more!

But I need to sacrifice all those deserts, and all that rich and tasty food. Plus I don't have time for all that exercise. No I can't do it! I shall keep my middle age spread!

The answer was so simple but my true motivation is not high enough for change to occur.

But enough of my problems, lets get back to your relationship problem. What is the one thing that you can do to significantly help your relationship tip the scales back? What do you need to do to bring playfulness, lust and lightness back into the relationship?

What is obvious and simple?

Do more of what works. Let me repeat it slowly. Do more of what works.

It is so obvious and so simple and yet it takes so much effort to change your daily lifestyle that it takes strong motivation. But the best news is that when you do it you will find it enjoyable - unlike dieting. By definition doing more of what works is going to be enjoyable. Doing more of what works could means doing things that adds to the relationship. It is best if you both enjoy doing it but you can also do things that just work well for one partner so long as it does not have a negative impact on the other partner. For example you may both like going to the cinema just don't get the time. Find the time. It might not be easy but find the time. When you go to the cinema you will have added to the scales a little bit more of what is working in your relationship. But please do not confuse doing more of what works with planning to do things new and untested things together (unless that is what you both like to do). In addition if the old enjoyable activity is now stressful then this does not count. If going to the cinema means that you have to abandon your 9mth old in the shopping complex for an hour and a half then just don't do this activity. Try things that are tried and tested - things that make you and the other person happy but you just don't get to do enough of it anymore. It is like sex. Many established couples know what things will turn on the other partner. If they are not getting enough of that one thing then doing more of it will make them happier. Please note that doing an activity that you are doing too much of and is moving from enjoyable to repetative also does not count in this exercise.

Extend your options of what you can do as widely as possible. Doing what works - that is what adds to the relationship takes many forms. It maybe as simple as holding hands again, being playfull, playing video games together, flowers or a weekend camping with dog (leave the kids with the grandparents!).

Whatever it is both people need to feel that the relationship is better for it.

Normally couples don't do enough of the activities that add to the relationship and do plenty of the things that detract from the relationship.
Work on gradually tipping the balance back to the lighter and enjoyable side of the scale.

You will be amazed that if you do this one thing how the sum of the other relationship problems will become smaller.

It is obvious and it is simple. Try it. Start it now. When you notice that it is making a small difference send me an email and then keep doing more of what works.

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